OMGSH I Feel SO Bad!

I talked to the Chivito today, this evening and tonight MANY times.

The last time we talked he told me that he would call me in 5 or 10 minutes. Well, I look at the clock and it is after 10! He told me he'd call me back when it was 7 something!

I decide to call him up since I wanted to say goodnight to him since he's back to work after working 1 long hard week last week, but our conversation turned into something I really didn't think it would.

So when I called him, he answered and I said "Chivito. 10 minutes, eh?" But I didn't sound mean or mad (at least I don't think I did) and I meant it jokingly. Right away he asks me if I am mad.

I tell him "Mad? No! I'm not mad. I just think it's funny, that's all"

So we get into talking and everything is fine but then I bring up that he sounds different. And he did. ALL the conversations today except for the first one, he sounded different. His voice was hyper and fast, he was talking so fast that it sounded like he was mumbling. And with each phone call he'd ask the same question "¿No saliste hoy?" ("You didn't go out today?") After the THIRD time of him asking me this, I started to get a bit bothered I guess you could say and well I said "I already told you, I didn't go out today". I mean honestly, how many times can a person be asked the SAME question over and over again until they answer it a bit bothered?

Sooo I came right out and told him. ¿Que te pasa? (What's up with you?) Why are you different? You are talking very fast and mumbling and I can't understand you. And you are saying my name with every sentence that you speak? It's not normal.

I swear it! In each and every sentence of his was my name! It was getting a bit tiring listening to his voice speak Spanish a mile a minute.

I mean I was accustomed to his slow-speaking voice that is always that way and that is speaking Spanish so I can understand it. I was accustomed to him saying my name a couple times per conversation on the phone. Not in every sentence!

I just felt something was up with him. No, nothing to do with another woman. I thought either he was drunk or had some kind of buzz or maybe, he had used drugs.

Now, the Chivito told me that he does not do drugs and does not drink. Well, he drinks just on only special occasions, like I do. Hey, drinking is fine, as long as it doesn't begin to get out of hand. You know what I mean.

But drugs? NO WAY. Does NOT fly with me. I won't put up with that and as much as I care for the Chivito, I would be saying 'Adios' to him as fast as you can say, well, "Adios"! :)

He did ask me? "Don't you like it?" Meaning the way his voice was. I was like "Well, if it was normal, yes. I'm not accustomed to you voice being so fast and you saying my name a lot." I also told him "There IS something different about you. It's your voice. I don't know why it's different but I am going to find out why. I'm very smart you know."

Maybe those were not the right things to say. I guess it was the 'Hurt Megan' coming out thinking about all the hurt that happened with all those losers in my past and how I couldn't trust them. I am not good with words, I'm the first to admit it. But I had to tell him what I was feeling because communication is important, right?

Well then he starts crying, and I don't mean whimpering. He starts llorando. I don't have a problem with it and I start to tear up too. He told me that I have every right to tell him what I told him, he loves me with all his heart and soul but I don't trust him. I don't believe him and it hurts. He also said "Ay Dios mio, por que no confias en mi?" I believe that means "Oh my God, why don't you trust me?" At least that is how I interpret it! :)

I start to feel really bad and I tell him "Chivito, I do trust you. I do believe you. Just forget what I said. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Forgive me. Forgive me."

I felt SO bad. He starts to cry a bit harder and I can barely understand him now because he is crying more. He tells me again that he loves me with all his heart and soul but the things that I had told him really made him hurt and feel bad.

So after me apologizing even more, we said our goodbyes and he said we will talk tomorrow.

I called him back 5 minutes later to apologize again. And then, guess what? I start crying!

It's one big cry fest! :'( It was so sad and I felt SO bad for hurting him. He told me there is nothing to forgive because I had right to ask him about why he was different. (maybe because he knows how much I have been hurt in the past with my exes, especially the last ex, José)

I have been asking the Chivito to see his I.D. lately too. He automatically says that I don't trust him and how can I love him so much when I don't trust or believe him.

I do care about him A LOT it is just I am SO scared of getting hurt again. I even told him (this I.D. stuff was when I last saw him). Anyways, I told him that if he is older than he says he is (25, soon to be 26 in May) like if he was in his 30s or 40s, just tell me. It is fine. Don't lie because I don't like lies and it will be no more between me and him.

I now know I have to be careful how I say things to him. I believe the stuff I mentioned about his I.D. and as well as how I said it to him, really hurt him as well. And then I go and say something about his voice and him acting different. ¡Mi pobre novio! :(

Anyone know any Taurus' that are really sensitive? I have read that they are.

I just hope that the Chivito doesn't think that I am one Cold Capricornio.

UPDATE: Wow! I just went in the kitchen to put a bowl of Chinese in and guess what # I see on the microwave? 19! How weird is that, since that is the Chivito's birthday (May 19th) and we had, well kind of our first "argument" tonight? Weird. I feel that in some way that is my grandparents way of telling me that everything is going to be alright between me and him. :)