So how was everyone's 4th of July? I have some pics to share with you but not a lot of firework pics because we were right near a street light and let's just say that made taking pics a real b*tch lol.The title of this blog post is what I am feeling right now, and I really don't know why. It all started last night. After dropping off the Chivito at his house after watching the fireworks, my mom told me that I don't seem very happy with him. Not as happy as he seems with me.
I am starting to feel that that is true. But why? He treats me great and we've only had a few spats (nothing major) here and there. Why am I feeling this way?
There are many reasons for this, but I can't put my finger on the exact reason or reasons why I feel this way. But here are my thoughts:
#1. Maybe I feel this way lately because I spoke with the Catracho, a few days ago and it felt weird talking to him all civil. He sounds different and when he asks me questions about the Chivito and me, it just feels weird and not to mention guilty talking to him about it.
#2. I've NEVER been treated this way by a man before and I'm not hating it by no means, but it's like my Chivito ALWAYS has to be holding my hand or having his arm around me no matter where we are. My mom mentions that maybe I am feeling suffocated and maybe that is the right word for it. I'm just not used to this type of treatment lol! Even with my ex Marcial, the guy who wanted to get back with me b/c he wanted a "change" lol, even he didn't "suffocate" me that way. And the Catracho? OMG never. So needless to say maybe I'm not used to all this?
#3. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Because of what I have done to the Catracho. Maybe there is this wall put up because of that and that is why I feel that way? And maybe it is b/c I am NOT divorced yet and this Immigration process regarding the waiver is still hanging over my head.
#4. OR maybe I feel this way b/c I really have fallen (or at least close to) for the Chivito and I am putting a wall up as a "defense mechanism" because I haven't seen not even ONE PIECE of paper that shows who this guy really is. Maybe it is my way of protecting myself and until I find out exactly how old he is and if that is even his name, then that wall will be up and stay up.
#5. Maybe it is because WHENEVER we see each other we have to rely on either a bus, a taxi or my parents for our transportation. And when he's at my house all we do is spend time with each other and we don't really do anything else. You know what I mean, I mean like going out to eat, seeing a movie, etc. It would be REALLY nice if he had a car and drove. But THEN I'd be worrying about him getting stopped by the police and well, you know, maybe possibly being sent back to Mexico. :( Could I really go through that all over again?
#6. Or maybe I don't belong with him? I find this possible explanation for the way I am feeling to be just weird and absurd, especially since he's a sweet guy and doesn't treat me bad and we get along good and I really enjoy his company.
Personally, I think it is 1-5. Whew, that's a lot of reasons for feeling the way I do lol! :/
Okay, well onto the 4th of July weekend. Thursday I started doing some work with Amvets. Not sure how long I'll be an IC with 'em, but for now it is something to do...which reminds me I have to call more people around 2pm today.
Anyways, I took a bus to the city again to go meet my Chivito and then we took a bus back home. That was an interesting evening. So we decided it was best for him to stay the night since no one had to work on Friday.
That was an interesting night too. I have to mention something that is really weird about me with him. I find whenever we sleep next to each other I get the BEST night sleep ever, but when I am just sleeping alone, I just don't sleep as good. I toss and turn and can't get to sleep anymore. But I fall asleep quite easily if I am laying next to him or in his arms. Weird huh? Or maybe it is not weird, lol I don't know.
Okay anyways, so Friday morning he made his blanquillos and we heated up some tortillas that he bought for me and brought with him on Thursday. Man, those tortillas are SO good. I love 'em! So we ate some fried blanquillos with tortillas. What a nice breakfast/lunch.
My parents made a nice dinner too and then we all got in the car and drove to the city. We couldn't find ANY place to park so we crossed the bridge that leads to SC and parked in the parking lot of the trade center. Of course we were new to this kind of "fireworks parking" and thought for sure we would be the only ones there. WRONG! There were already people set up and cooking out and having fun waiting for the fireworks to begin. There was even a camper set up lol! Some guy in an apron was cooking out on a grill with his family. It was quite weird and instead of feeling like we were in a parking lot I felt as if we were in some kind of RV park lol!
Overall it was nice and I got many pics, mostly of my Chivito but anyways they turned out nice.
Here are some of the pics I took below:
My mom is laughing hysterically lol over some joke
about King of Queens. So funny!
This pic of him is good, I don't like me in it though lol
OMG I love love love this pic of him, he wanted me
to delete it b/c it is of him up close lol.
He didn't know I was taking this one lol
The finale.
Well that's all the 4th of July pics I've got lol. Right now the weather here is quite weird so I'm getting off the computer. It is bright and sunny out and thundering really loud. Hope there will be no tornado! :o/
4 comments:
I am curious about something and I hope you aren't offended or put off by this question.....you say you wish your boyfriend had a car so the 2 of you could go out and not rely on your parents or public transportation to get around. You also say that although you wish he drove, you'd be worried about him getting pulled over by the cops and eventually sent back to Mexico (a legitimate concern, for sure), yet you have his picture and face plain as day all over your blog- aren't you worried about someone seeing his face, recognizing him, figuring out where he lives/works and reporting him to the immigration officials? I mean, it may be doubtful, but seems to be a risky possibility. Does he know that his picture is all over your blog and that this could compromise his already precarious position here in this country? If you were to cross paths with someone who is angry about undoccumented folks being here it could be MALAS NOTICIAS for Celestino, no?
No I'm not offended.
Hmm you know something? I have this problem where I am an open book lol and sometimes NOT a buena cosa. Maybe I should put my blog as private? Or not use his name and instead use a code name? Or not mention things regarding la policia, etc.
What do you think?
I never really thought of that but now a days, you are right: Gotta be careful!
That'd be AWFUL if anything happened to him.
Que bueno que no estes ofendida- solo te escribi este comentario para darte "food for thought" porque estoy en la misma situacion, mas o menos con mi propio novio y hay que tener mucho cuidado con estas cosas. Tu lo sabes y todas nosotras (que amamos a los Mexicanos sin papeles) sabemos. I am glad to see that you "unblocked" your blog, because I like, others here, enjoy reading what you write and only wish you the best :).
Smothered? I've been there before and I'm really hoping that you don't suffer from the same disease I had.
It has no name gf.
I dated a really nice guy once but he was costantly holding on to me and I, to this day, hate that.
Don't get me wrong, I like to be close but there's a time and a place for it. I'll hold hands for a brief moment in a store or cuddle on the couch, hug/kiss in a bar (especially if I'm tipsy :) but not ALL the time.
Don't sweat it because you're still so young ... you're gonna give yourself wrinkles!
Things have a funny way of working themselves out sometimes even if you don't address them. Time will tell.
I wouldn't worry so much about someone calling and reporting anything. Most people have a life and even if someone did do something like that ... ever called immigration? Good luck LMAO.
(it's all automated & confusing)
It looks like you guys had a really good 4th and I'm glad you did. The whole family looked happy!
~Lisa
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