Another Secret

My mom already knows about this secret. It is about...

Well, who else?

Cele!

I don't know if it should be bad or not. Anyways, my mom was a little peeved I think, but either way she supports my decision to stay with Cele or not. (More on that later in this post)

I'm just going to get right to the secret and not leave ya hanging or with lots of spaces in between like I usually like to do...

Here goes!

Cele is NOT 35. I've kept this from my Blogger amigas for too long. Yes, Cele told me that he was 35. But I found out the TRUTH when I saw his I.D. that day I found about the other woman and his 3 kids.

He's 37. Yeah, I know, I know. Here comes (maybe) all the negative remarks. That's FOURTEEN years between us. I've already done the math and I've also thought about IF we decide (or should I say if I decide to pursue this even further) well, our children would be YOUNG and he'd be really old.

It's a BIG decision and a decision that I truly DO NOT know if I'm ready for. I don't know if I'm ready to settle down . . . *sigh* again.

I adore Cele either way and we truly can't keep our hands off each other. We are always kissing (or even "stealing kisses", as they say), hugging, holding hands and/or having his arm around me.

And, hey. I'm NOT complaining. I wanted that for SO long between me and Daniel, but he told me that he "wasn't brought up that way". Well, I SO feel bad for the next woman who actually stays long like I did, keeps taking him back or even marries him. He told me that he is only marrying me. He will NEVER marry again. Well, good for him. I don't think there is any woman out there who is nice and give, give, giving like me and who will put up with his shyt. I STILL can't believe that I put up with it.

Well, we live and learn right?

Cele asked to see pics of him, well asked me if I had any pics of him. I kind of fibbed to him and said that I do have pics but it is on a site that I "pay" for and I cannot "delete" them. I think he bought it since he doesn't know that much about computers lol. Gosh, I feel bad for lying but what am I going to tell him? That I am not ready to get rid of my pics yet of Daniel?

Gosh, that would sound terrible!

I am all confused. My mom says IF I was on my own, had my own car and was financially ready, well maybe I'd feel fine settling down with Cele.

It could be that. After all, mom knows best. But I feel it is something more. Perhaps how old he is?

I mean, I adore him, I do, it's just...I guess I am afraid. Bottom line: I am afraid. There are SO many guys out there, it's like "Yes, I am happy with Cele and I enjoy spending time with him...but is there something even better out there?"

I guess you could say that when I chose to "settle down" with Daniel, well, I really settled. That's for sure. I thought that Daniel would and could be the only guy who would love me. It wasn't love. It was comfort and a little bit of control. He MIGHT have loved me and yes, I loved him, but overall we were just comfortable with each other.

I think I stayed with him for so long because, well he knew all my flaws and he knew me inside and out. But there is ONE BIG thing he did NOT know: He did NOT know how to treat me. No WONDER I was such a b*tch to him, I mean WHY would I be all nicey nice when I was getting absolutely NADA in return?

Okay, enough. What I REALLY want to do is start divorce proceedings NOW and NOT wait for the answer for this waiver. But I feel bad b/c Daniel is counting on having a good life. I guess I will just wait until we hear a "Yes" or "No" with this waiver thing. If it's "No", well NOT my problem and even though I DID say that I would do an appeal and write a new letter....NO WAY, uh uh, no appeal letter.

Gosh, I'm tearing up now, I don't know WHY I am feeling this way. I just got off the phone with Cele, he always calls me after his lunch to tell me how it went (or I call him sometimes before his lunch to say "Buen provecho")

I really, REALLY like him. Nah, it's more that just like. I adore him! <3 I just, well we've been talking a LOT lately and he's been saying he is going to be going to Mexico and is going to tell Lucía (his woman or ex, or whatever), his children and his parents about me and that he no longer wants to be with Lucía and that he wants to be with me.

It's like...I don't know, I guess I feel that he is going to leave this 33-year-old woman, his 3 kids and his parents like I don't know, behind. Not really his kids or parents though. I know he will continue to support them and see them when he can as well as his parents. But for him to just give it all up for me, I mean I'm 23. I just don't -- maybe I feel guilty? :/

I try not to think long-term thoughts with Cele but it's hard when wherever we go if he sees a woman who is pregnant he gives me a look and then says something like "Someday we'll have children".

Maybe I feel this way too because I'm going to be starting college again and really NOT financially ready for anything? Could that be it?

I don't know! Input please!

I keep telling Cele that being 12 years with the same woman, well he's got a history with her and I told him that I know he is probably accustomed to her. I asked him "Why didn't you leave her if you weren't happy with her? Don't tell me it is JUST for the kids, it's MORE than THAT."

He told me that there was never anyone else. Then he met me, fell for me and is very happy with me. The happiest he has EVER been in his life with anyone and he wants to be with me. He wants his future to have me in it. That she doesn't know how to love him the way he wants to be loved, but I do.

That's A LOT to handle though, don't you think?

I can feel it now, my inbox could possibly be LOADED with comments soon! LOL :)