Reflection

Okay for some of you who already know me, you already know that I'm married but will be divorcing soon. Maybe ya could say that I am "separated" since the Catracho is in Honduras and I'm here and he knows that I'm seeing someone else and basically there is no way that I'm thinking of going back to how things used to be between him and I. Of course I feel bad, but what can I honestly do? I'm NOT going to lead the guy on and try to make it work when deep down inside I know it won't. Even if he has changed, which that is impossible for the Catracho to do. He just won't and I can't live my life giving my all in a relationship where I NEVER feel put first and where I don't get ANYTHING in return. I mean at first it was all hunky dory and I was give, give, giving, but towards the end I looked back on all that had happened between me and him and you know what? I got tired of being the one who always gave! And if it wasn't me who was giving it was my parents. All the Catracho did was disrespect me and my parents and took, took, took. Sure, he had a good heart from time to time....maybe a few times out of the month IF I was lucky. Other than that he was all out for himself. Selfish little Catrachito. It's a shame things couldn't work out. I mean I will always have feelings for him, how can I not? And I will always feel like I am in the wrong because I grew up with good morals and still cannot believe that I took vows and basically I am screwed. I will probably be "punished" someday for this with bad karma.

I was the type of person to never believe in divorce. I thought people who divorced were just awful people, but I tell you, you can't say ANYTHING until you walk in the shoes of the person or AT LEAST go through basically the same thing. A good lesson learned there. Now I try to keep my mouth shut and try not to say "Oh, I'll never do that" because you know what? I also said that I'd NEVER date a married man!

Ooops, didn't follow through with that either. I knew that guy was married (Jose, for all you who don't know by now lol, but I call him The Viejo because he is an old man and I despise him!) but I continued to see him. Sure I fell hard but I should have put myself first and I should have stood by that "rule" at least. We all learn our lessons though. I know I have.

*Making mental note: NEVER date a married man, even if he says he loves you and is happy with you and wants to take you to Mexico and send pics to his mom there to show how happy he truly is* haha

Anyways, I feel for the Catracho I married. What I did and have done to him and am continuing to do to him is wrong. Even though he knows that I am interested in pursuing this relationship with the Chivito, it is still wrong. I remember a couple phone calls back (he calls me once a month to let me know/or ask if there are any updates with the waiver) he told me that he was shocked when he found out I was with the Viejo and now this guy, mi Chivito. He couldn't believe it when I told him and wondered basically if I was lying since I was "the one who always puts others first, especially in our relationship" and I was the one who is "so against cheating".

I told him the same. I was shocked at my behavior as well. I still am from time to time. There is section in the Bible though that I want to write down that helps me get through these tough times:

"But if the husband or wife is eager to leave, it is permitted. In such cases the husband or wife should not insist that the other stay, for God wants his children to live in peace and harmony."


I was searching one day for something in my closet when my Bible fell off my bookshelf and landed with the pages open. I grabbed a binder clip and clipped it to that page. It wasn't until a few days later that I was in my closet again looking for something and came across that Bible with the clip in it still. I opened it up. Turns out I had clipped one section that was called "Daniel" and the other which was "Corinthians". I couldn't believe what I was seeing especially out of ALL the pages to clip lol!

That's when I decided to read the section of the Corinthians where I clipped it. The words above in italics is what was written on the other side of the clipped page. Weird huh?

If THAT'S not a sign, I don't know what is! I don't know if that was basically a sign from God saying that I deserve to be happy and find happiness (as well as the Catracho too) and maybe that was him giving me some kind of "permission"? If anyone has anything to say about this, feel free to chime in at anytime. I appreciate and respect ANY opinions! :) I say "permission" because I was feeling really guilty and nauseous each time I spent time with the Chivito and then after I would talk to God and tell Him how badly I felt and to forgive me for doing this to the Catracho. That I just wanted to be happy. Shortly after, I found that page and the nausea? It is going away and I don't feel that guilty anymore like I used to.

I've got to be honest here. It still eats me up inside but I realize it is because I have a heart and a good one, even though what I have done and am doing wouldn't really be considered "good".

Regardless though I know God is a loving and forgiving God and even though as days go by I still feel like I will be punished somehow someway, I know that He still forgives me even though I may not nor ever forgive myself.